The Death Of A Bachelor
by SunlitSky21
Summary: In which Naruto bades goodbye to Sasuke's bachelorhood. Crack, Do I even need to say it?


**The Death of a Bachelor**

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in which Naruto bades goodbye to Sasuke's bachelorhood.

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Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ , neither the song _Death Of A Bachelor by Panic! At The Disco_. Both are trademarked properties or their respective owners.

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Sasuke had defected and Naruto was pissed.

 _"That damn bastard! That ungrateful little, emo , piece of shit, bleep, bleep."_ Etc etc were the thoughts running through our protagonist's mind.

 _"Sasuke, why did you do it? Why?"_

Naruto reached the valley of the end. Sasuke was standing there in his drag... _err_...cursed seal form.

Sasuke shouted," Naruto, leave me alone!"

Naruto shouted," Sasuke, I won't let you go to him .You are going to lose your freedom!"

Sasuke said," Freedom be damned! I need power!"

An idea struck Naruto's mind.

 _"Power this, duck ass"_

Naruto shouted," Sasuke, I will make you come...back."

Sasukes eye brow twitched.

 _What's with the pause in between?_ he wondered.

Naruto thought, _" Alright, Operation Bachelor commence."_

Turning around, Naruto did the one thing that no man could have ever done...

He stuck out his ass and patted it, at the same time sticking out his tongue and said," Kiss my ass, Sasuke! Nye-nye-nyeh."

Saying so, Naruto took off.

Sasuke saw red.

He shouted, forming a chidori," Naruto, on the graves of my ancestors, I swear vengeance on your ass! Now get back here!"

Naruto still running, called out, "So you like it rough then? _My,_ Sasuke, I never took you for that kind of person!"

Sasuke howled. "I am gonna ! #$^&** " and some other words which made every person's, in a twenty mile radius, ears bleed. Sasuke took off.

Naruto, using the Kyuubis chakra soon reached the village gates. A large crowd had gathered there consisting of the hokage, the jounins and senseis, and many genin. A few random civilians were also present.

Naruto landed in front of them. One civilian shouted, "Look, its the demon!"

Random civilian no 2 asked," Where is Uchiha-sama?"

Random civilian no 3 gasped," Don't tell me, the demon killed him!"

"Let's get him!" every civilian shouted.

Meanwhile, a vein could be seen pulsing on Tsunade's forehead.

 _First comment, strike one._

 _Second comment, strike two._

 _Third comment, strike three._

In a blur, Tsunade vanished and reappeared in a second, her hands glowing with razor sharp chakra.

A beat.

"Two handed medic secret technique: Heavenly gate of Castration!"

Screams rang out.

"My balls!"

"My nuts!"

"My golden sack!"

You know what I mean...

All ninja males paled in fear. Jiraiya, who was present there, started shaking. There were rumours that, it was due to this technique that Orochimaru..er...started experimenting, due to a rather _unfortunate_ lack of a certain pair of _nuts_ caused by said jutsu.

"Anyone else wants to add in their two cents?" asked Tsunade, sweet as sugar.

Needless to say, nobody did.

A moment later, Sasuke landed, howling madly.

"Naruto, give me your ass. I swear I am so gonna #$%^&*"

A collective thought ran through everyone's mind.

 _"He is gonna do **what** to **what**?!"_

Like master, like student, I say.

Naruto said seriously," Sasuke, my friend, nothing I can say will stop you now. So, I can only wish you all the best for your future life. Therefore, I dedicate this song to you."

Striking a pose, Naruto said, "Hit it!"

Jazz music started to play. The audience blinked.

 _Where did Naruto get the suit? And the mike?_

One more blink.

 _Now how in the nine levels of the hell did he get those tables?_

One more blink.

 _Where did the sexy ladies wearing gloves and short dresses come from? And for that matter where did the guys come from?_

At this point, Nobody even gave a fuck anymore.

Sasuke was blank-eyed and stunned, his curse form deactivated.

Naruto started singing...

Do I look lonely?

I see the shadows on my face

People have told me I don't look the same

Maybe I lost weight

I'm playing hooky, with the best of the best

Put my heart on my chest, so that you can see it too

I'm walking the long road, watching the sky fall

The lace in your dress tingles my neck, how do I live?

The death of a bachelor

Oh

Letting the water fall

The death of a bachelor

Oh

Seems so fitting for

Happily ever after

How could I ask for more?

A lifetime of laughter

At the expense of the death of a bachelor...

And on went the song. The ladies danced, Naruto sang. People stared, gob smacked. Sasuke stared blankly too.

Finally, the song ended. In a low, sad voice, Naruto said," This is my tribute to your bachelorhood, Sasuke. I know you are running off with Orochimaru. So the least I can do is offer you luck. Godspeed, my friend."

Sasukes expression clearly gave away Sasuke's thought process.

 _"This is worse than Tsukoyomi! What...how...?"_

Taking a deep breath, he weakly chuckled.

" _At least it can't get any more worse than this, right?"_

Jinxed it.

From the dancers, one lady came forward. People blinked.

Was that Orochimaru... in a dress?

Oh my god...the never ending horror.

Kakashi fainted.

Tsunade swore to stop drinking.

Jiraiya blushed?! The fuck...

And Sasuke...

Sasuke's sharingan turned into the mangekyo. The expression on his face was that of a haunted man who had seen unspeakable horrors.

Pain. Eternal pain. Suffering. Sasuke collapsed, clutching his eyes and sobbing.

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Somewhere, itachi blanched and suddenly had a rush of sympathy for his brother.

 _"So he found out the true method to activate the mangekyo..."_ Itachi thought.

Itachi had accidentally stumbled upon The Sandaime and Danzo doing some rather _questionable_ activities.

He had never been the same.

 _"May peace be with you, brother."_

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Back to Konoha...

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Sasuke got up slowly, haggardly. Before he could start screaming his head off, something made him stop in his tracks. And that something was..

Naruto said seriously, looking at Orochimaru, "Please take care of him."

Orochmaru nodded solemnly.

"I will."

Then, cackling madly, he swooped Sasuke off of his feet and held the traumatized Uchiha in a bridal style carry.

 _"Later, suckers!"_ shouting maniacally, Orochimaru turned around and disappeared. But not before people could see the 'Just hitched' sign attached to the back of his shirt.

Naruto wiped a tear from his eye. The others proceeded to start running, in search of the nearby cliff to jump off of.

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Authors note: **okay, what the actual fuck?**

 **This is just wrong.**

 **I am so sorry.**

 **Ahem...well...review, favorite and follow?**

 **This is SunlitSky21, searching for a cliff to jump off of...**


End file.
